And You'll Miss It

I see the silhouette of four women surrounded by a glowing bright light. Their voices are unintelligible and distant. They push each other to get a clear view and I sense them poking and prodding at me. This is my first ever memory.

The teachers lead us out of class for an activity and we sit stretched out on the lawn. I grab clumps of grass and pull them out. The feeling of the grass snapping is calming.

My sister shows me how to use the computer. I go on Internet Explorer and look up "free video games." I download a video game that lets me make my own worlds inside it. I ask a girl in the video game out, and she becomes my first girlfriend.

I am in fourth grade and the other kids in school make fun of my hair. I cry and wonder why I am the way I am and why my sister is so much cooler than me.

I go home to a group of friends that I made on the video game. We all make and share worlds with each other. I boast that my worlds are the best and more beautiful than others. A boy named Seth replies and says that all my worlds look ugly and unfinished. I message Seth and ask him to be my friend, I think he is cool.

Seth makes a movie theater world in the video game. We watch a movie that he's made. It is an educational film on "Noobs" and how stupid and unsophisticated they are. He uses a picture of me. I love that I am featured in his movie.

I start to notice one of the other boys that I make worlds with. He is much more cooler, popular, and mature than I am. I ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend, and he says yes.

I show Seth my drawings, he is surprised and commissions a portrait from me. I draw him as a cool and pale anime character dressed in all black, sitting in the corner of a jail cell. "No, that's not me. Draw me as a dog." "Why should I draw you as a dog?" I ask. "Because I am a dog."

I daydream in my math class. I wonder, what will I look like in high school? Will I be cooler? Smarter? One day I will blink, and I will be in high school, thinking about this exact moment where I was wondering what high school would be like.

There is a girl that I have a crush on. We take a walk around the lake. She tells me, "I like cats." I tell her, "I like dogs." She tells me, "I like walking." I tell her, "I like lakes." She tells me, "I like hanging out." I tell her, "I like you." We have our first kiss underneath my Pokemon bedsheets.

I log back onto the old video game I used to play. It's dead. I look up videos of the game and stumble upon my old friend Seth. I find his YouTube, then his Facebook. I message him, "Hey Seth, do you remember me?" "Yeah, I remember you." We reminisce about the video game. I tell him I want to make a video game with him like the old one we used to play. We talk about what our video game would be like.

My girlfriend takes me to San Francisco. She shows me the beautiful art scene. The city is busy, scary, but so amazing. We go thrifting. We visit a record store. I look in wonder at the foggy, rolling hills with colorful houses, paired with her smile. The feeling of the cold breeze, with the feeling of her hand in mine. I want to live forever in this moment, in this city.

I am sitting in my high school calculus class. I wonder, what will I look like in college? Will I be cooler than I am now? One day I will blink, and I will be in college, thinking about how in high school, I wondered what I will look like in college.

My girlfriend and I lay in bed and stare out the window, the light of the moon color the suburban roofs a navy blue. “The Summer Ends” by American Football leaks through her computer speakers. I ask her, "What's going to happen to us when we go to college?" A quiet shrill voice whispers back, "Let's not think about that right now."

It’s the end of my junior year. My girlfriend breaks up with me. I walk far away from her street, and then call my dad to pick me up. I come home. I open up Facebook Messenger. "Hey Seth, remember that old game we used to play?" We reminisce, and talk about the video game we want to make.

It is my first time drinking. We get drunk and wander blissfully through the campus. I am in a freshman dorm room. The girl that I have a crush on is laying in her bed, and I am falling asleep on a chair across the room. I tell myself to remember this moment, this exact moment. Remember every detail. Don't ever let this slip away, make it be forever.

I am at my first internship. I hate it. I wonder if this is what the corporate world looks like and if it will be the rest of my life. I start smoking cigarettes.

I drink too much at a party. My friend carries me home. I cry in the arms of my college friend. I tell him that I am a disappointment to my dad, and I'll never be good enough.

It is my fourth year at college. I am at a rave. My girlfriend squeezes me. She tells me, "I just want to wrap my whole body around you and be as close as possible." I tell myself to remember this exact moment. One day I will blink, and I will have graduated college, and I will look back and think to this moment.

I come down from a psychedelic trip. I am thinking of ending things with my girlfriend. She is thinking the same thing. I remember the old video game I used to play. I open up Facebook Messenger. "Hey Seth, remember that old game we used to play?" We reminisce. We talk about the video game we will make together.

It is 8:00 PM, and I am sitting at a lonely cubicle in my office. The world is quiet and still. It is a gray and cloudy sky in Mountain View. I am about to move onto my next team. I check Facebook. I see a photo of Seth. "In Memory of Seth." I read through all the comments. I turn off my computer. I drive home and go to sleep.

It is the pandemic. I move in with my sister and my girlfriend in Tahoe. We go on walks in the park. We work out to online exercise videos. We binge-watch Korean dramas. We go swimming in the lake. Time moves both fast and slow.

It is a beautiful sunny day. We are surrounded by trees. The air tastes like pine and bark. I break up with my girlfriend. She cries. I drive her 6 hours home.

I drown myself in alcohol. I venture through the old websites again. I look through all the posts on the internet that I made when I was a kid. I remember the old video game I used to play. I open up Facebook Messenger. "Hey Seth, remember-"

I read the last messages we sent to each other. He asked if I wanted to play a video game with him, and I never got to replying. I break down and I cry.

I move to my dream city, San Francisco. It's busy and beautiful. There are so many people everywhere. I walk down my street. I recognize the thrift stores. I recognize the rolling hills and colorful houses. I recognize the breeze. Blink.

I am in Hawaii. I am watching my college friend get married. I turn to the other groomsmen, "This is one of the happiest moments in my life, and next week this will be over and I will be back home." We stare into the ocean as the waves calmly crash against the sands. The clear blue skies turn purple, then red, then completely dark. I drive home. Blink.

I am on the 38th floor of my office, staring at the Bay Bridge with it’s shimmering lights. “San Marcos” by Brockhampton plays. “I want more out of life than this.“ I call into a meeting. I tell my manager that I quit. Blink.

I am at Dolores Park. I lie on the grass. I feel the blades through my fingers, and as if it were automatic, I squeeze and pull. Blink.

I am sitting at my desk writing this. I am thinking about the friends who are moving away and how little time I have left with them. I think about the fragility of everything, how foolish I was to think, "I can get to it eventually." Blink.

I am on a train ride, with each stop offering a fleeting glimpse of the world outside. I take in the view as much as I can, until the door closes and I’m off to the next stop.

Blink.