seeking attention

In 2023, I talked to my therapist about how ashamed I was for seeking external validation from others when making art. He told me that the creation of things is “40% yourself, and 60% for others.” And that most creatives felt this shame.

In 2011, as a high-schooler, I went viral. I made a very popular mod for a game. It blew up and got featured in online gaming magazines. Last year I released a game and it became streamed by Youtubers, gaining over 4 million views. I got a very large high off the attention. Then I became extremely depressed for months after. I have a history of seeking attention on the internet, from Facebook posts to tumblr comics. I used to be ashamed of it and hated anybody who was pretentious, but now I accept it.

I don't think that seeking attention is that bad. Deep down, almost everyone wants to serve some kind of purpose to their community. Attention, recognition, validation, is a way of having the community tell you that you are a good person and you are doing the right thing in your life. Does it have anything to do with childhood trauma? Maybe my mom didn't give me enough attention? Maybe it's depression? I don't know. Is it narcissism? I don't think so. I think attention-seeking is a positive trait when it is in service of a larger community. It is only narcissism when attention-seeking is placed far above the respect and consideration of other people.

I became depressed for months after my virality with my video game. If you ever smoked cigarettes, you will understand the feeling of withdrawal when trying to quit. It was the same thing for me. It was such a strange feeling. I remember going on a trip to Las Vegas and Joshua Tree with my friends and explaining to them how depressed I was feeling. It was confusing to them, because it's so very contradicting. I received what I always wanted, I got my wish, but why was I so sad? Maybe because I had gotten so high and coming back to normal was like falling off a cliff. Whatever problems that I had outside of the game's success still existed. I had a community of fans, but a fanbase is different from a support network of friends. It made me question if any of this is worth it, if pouring my soul into a project will be met with a great high and then a huge depression is even worth it.

I think it is. The day that I spent making music with Rit in his studio was the most fun I had in a long time. I loved grabbing coffee and play-testing with friends. And, at the end of the day, it is energy. I find myself locked in, organizing and programming and reaching out in the service of something greater than myself. I will take my energy where I can get it. A lesson that I learned from attempting to harness this energy is that it must also serve my core needs – it needs to be something that helps me lift other people up, to build community, and to help me fight the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Building a game with others is an excuse for me to hang out with my friends. Attention-seeking is my vehicle for manufacturing ways of spending time with people that I love, and I don't ever want to lose sight of that. However, without strong core values, the immense energy of attention can become an atomic bomb.

After my great bout of depression, I saw the love that the fans of the game had for the soundtrack, which was created with my friends. Have you ever seen someone smile because they are getting complimented on work that you helped lift? That is a richer and cleaner high than getting that compliment myself. Finally, I saw a Youtube comment saying that the game saved their life – it made them appreciate all they had at the present moment a lot more. As someone who has suffered for a long time with suicidal thoughts, hearing that was as if I had reached out to my sad and lost college self and told him not to do it, and that it's not worth it.

For a long time, I felt ashamed every time I shared something successful in my life. There was negativity and self-hate tied to "attention-seeking." I did it because the high felt better than the shame – and even that created more cyclical guilt. Didi's Sean Wang gave me permission to be a bit more "attention-seeking." I look up to a lot of creative Asian males from the suburban Bay Area who are a couple steps ahead of me for guidance. It used to be Giraffage, but I just recently turned my attention to Sean. When I saw how much he was spamming on his instagram story about Didi, it gave me permission to feel good about sharing my successes online, and I finally let go of the shame. Didi is not my top movie, (sorry) but the way Sean handled success and attention and the messaging he wanted to provide through the movie has inspired me.

I think that people deserve to be told that they are beautiful. Everyone deserves to be complimented, but only when the compliment is genuine. Everybody wants to feel the warmth of a community being molded around the shape of them. Nobody should feel ashamed for wanting attention, but everyone needs to be careful to make sure that the attention is harnessed in a positive way.